Epiphany:
I gave up perfectionism the label, but not perfectionism the behavior
My children say sometimes I bury the lead because my mind goes in a million different directions! Today I’m going to start with the story, but please read till the end because the process by which I reached this epiphany is equally important.
Last month, I joined Curalinc Healthcare, a workforce mental health company, as their staff training facilitator. The amazing part is that I get to talk, via webinars, every day about mental health topics. The other amazing thing is that I still get to speak to clients outside of the organization, and I will continue to do that.
A few weeks in, something happened that absolutely floored me: I began to feel a return of my anxiety! I will begin the next season of CYH discussing one aspect of this return, the medication struggle, so stay tuned for that.
I put deep thought into this for days and weeks, and I just had the epiphany 15 minutes before writing this: I am now in a position where I am subjected to evaluation, to judgment, and yes, to criticism.
And then the deeper epiphany, the title of this blog, set in. Get ready for this and think about it in your own life: I have given up the label of perfectionism, but not the behavior. I never label myself as a perfectionist, yet I continue to operate in the practice of not accepting less.
Oh y’all, this is so deep! How did I come to this realization? Three things—the last one being the stay-tuned part I mentioned earlier.
First, I woke up this morning with that anxious feeling.
You know that feeling in your gut where it feels like you’re on a roller coaster. Those swirling thoughts that are going so fast like a tornado that you can’t grab onto one. I did some things that always help. I did my morning scripture-based meditation. I took Charlie for a walk, which means outdoor time, which always, always helps! I spoke to my Autobiographer (that’s part of the stay-tuned 😁). Through all these things, I was able to narrow down on one thought, to calm the tornado and let things fall around me. I am doing a webinar this morning about diversity. Remember I said I speak about mental health every day, and what I love about this company is they recognize how many, many, many things in our lives affect our mental and emotional well-being. I realized that diversity is not exactly in my wheelhouse. It’s not stress management or emotions or mental health exclusively. My anxious feeling was for this very reason: it is not a top topic for me. Then I realized that I approach every single topic as if it should be the most life-changing keynote you’ve ever heard. My husband says this is what makes me great at what I do, and I’m going to accept that. What I won’t accept is the gut anxiety it makes me feel. I realize that I still expect perfection from myself even though I don’t label it that way, and that has to change.
Second, I am still falling into the trap of comparison,
I realized this is accompanied by something else interesting: if I am comparing myself to other people, then the underlying assumption is I want to be better than them, right? I don’t like how that makes me feel. It sets me up for failure and keeps me from fully loving someone else's talents.
Finally, the story I promised to share at the end: Autobiographer
My brilliant son Jaime has developed an app called Autobiographer. It is an AI-generated tool that interviews you and creates many documents, including your story, notes of gratitude to other people, and preserving any moment you just want to document. Most mornings I will spend about 15 minutes being interviewed on my morning walks.
This morning I was writing a gratitude note to Dr. Raymond Wesley. I worked for Dr. Wesley at my first job during my senior year of high school and for a few years after. He became not only an employer but a mentor and somewhat of a father to me during a difficult period of my life. As I was talking, I was mentioning how he pushed me into being a better person, and that involved him giving me criticism. In that moment, I realized that there was a period of time that I was able to accept criticism and negative feedback. He could actually be brutal, and even though it might make me mad, I didn’t fall apart like I do now. Moving forward, that made me realize that through a combination of my genetics and my life experience, feedback from the student teaching experience really changed so much of my life. It made me realize that I haven't always been afraid to fail and I am going to strive to reclaim that right!
So, here I am, navigating the balance between striving for excellence and accepting imperfection. It’s a journey, and I’m learning to embrace it one step at a time. I encourage you to learn and grow and stretch and express gratitude to important people in your world and have epiphanies....... and. so. on.
Stay tuned for more on this path to self-discovery and growth. And please, check out Autobiographer - It Is amazing. Click on the Image below to watch a live event my son recently hosted:
Thanks for spending time with me!!
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